"...no dead end in sight..."

thinking about bailo

This week has been a rough week. I know I whine a lot but this has tested me and my family like nothing has for the better part of five years, I'd say. Certainly no one in my generation of my family has gone through this before, on this level.

A week ago last Wednesday we flew back from five days in San Diego. Beaches, museums, perfect weather, great food - it was relaxing other than getting there and back. Almost the proverbial calm before the storm.

Monday I called my mom and we were talking and all of a sudden her voice gets serious (like in the "somebody died" tone) and she goes "so [my aunt] hasn't called you?"

Me: "...no. Why?"

Come to find out, a week ago today/last Saturday/three days after we saw them, my cousin woke up blind in her left eye. Like bam, out of nowhere. They went to doctors and specialists in San Diego who diagnosed a brain tumor.

My cousin? Little B - not so little now, taller than I am, fluent in Mandarin Chinese, first chair in the clarinet, who succintly told me she wants to be an architect and study abroad in Beijing and build skyscrapers and go to Stanford like her dad - who dances randomly like the penguin from Madagascar on that one Intel computer chip commercial when dancey music comes on the TV - I held her on my hip when she was a baby - the quirky teenager who beads necklaces for her future empire in her spare time now couldn't see out of one eye.

So they drove back to San Francisco on Wednesday after the MRI in San Diego confirmed a glioma.

I got the news Wednesday morning, and Wednesday night at church I brought it up in our class when they asked if anybody had any prayer requests. It's odd for me to talk about things that I feel need to be prayed for, partially because I've been so skeptical about religion in my younger years that it makes me feel awkward, and partially because there's always somebody who has something much more horrible going on in their lives so I feel bad for bringing up my own worries, and partially because I'm not used to letting other people help me with my problems. It's hard enough sometimes to lean on my own husband because I am so used to just freight-training my way through my stress which I realize often ends in an emotional implosion.

We prayed. I remember hearing them say in prayer to lift her up, and in the earnestness of those words I felt tears coming to my eyes because they aren't Christian, and I hoped in my heart that God would somehow bless them even though they don't believe in it. Work your magic, deity, and please God make her be okay in spite of this. I felt my true desperation, of someone who can feel someone else suffering, and it breaks my heart in my own helplessness and my lack of control of the matter. And I cry because I am afraid, and I cry because the tragedy of it is that she is a really sweet kid in spite of how spastic her behavior is sometimes. She doesn't deserve this, I keep thinking over and over to myself. But then, who does?

I also got upset because it occurred to me that it's just her and my sister that I have on my dad's side. Our family isn't big like some, and we are close-knit when it counts, but at the end of the day it also occurred to me that my sister and I are all the cousins she has, and we need to be there for her like no other. I haven't figured out how to do that yet.

To be fair, I haven't called my aunt since then because to think too hard about it makes me break down and cry, and I didn't want to make her any more stressed than she already is. When I talk to her I want to be strong in my voice and right now when I start to talk about it sometimes my voice sounds like a record scratch.

I got an email from my dad yesterday, and my email goes to my phone, so of course I read it during the thick of work and misread it, and thought he had actually gone out to San Francisco to see my aunt instead of talking to her on the phone. I called my mom during my lunch break and my dad picked up her cell phone and I what the hecked a little bit. And then, a split verdict.

The good news: some head honcho cancer specialist in San Francisco has ruled that this is not a glioma. It's some big fancy name for what is essentially severe inflammation of her optic nerve.

The bad news: her other eye is starting to show symptoms.

So - a mixed bag? The inflammation they are thinking they can cure with some sort of steroids, and there is a possibility she could get her sight back within a few months. I don't know how to feel about this trial but I do feel that the prayer has done something. I've never experienced this before but it seems like when it counts God will in fact take control of the situation.

In the middle of the week when I was feeling really low and really unable to cope with this situation I found one of the psalms online and thought I would share. When I start to think about it and need to calm myself down (say, doing payroll at work and about to cry) I read over it on my phone and I think it helps:

Psalm 146
1 Praise ye the LORD. Praise the LORD, O my soul.
2 While I live will I praise the LORD: I will sing praises unto my God while I have any being.
3 Put not your trust in princes, [nor] in the son of man, in whom [there is] no help.
4 His breath goeth forth, he returneth to his earth; in that very day his thoughts perish.
5 Happy [is he] that [hath] the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope [is] in the LORD his God:
6 Which made heaven, and earth, the sea, and all that therein [is]: which keepeth truth for ever:
7 Which executeth judgment for the oppressed: which giveth food to the hungry. The LORD looseth the prisoners:
8 The LORD openeth [the eyes of] the blind: the LORD raiseth them that are bowed down: the LORD loveth the righteous:
9 The LORD preserveth the strangers; he relieveth the fatherless and widow: but the way of the wicked he turneth upside down.
10 The LORD shall reign for ever, [even] thy God, O Zion, unto all generations. Praise ye the LORD.

Again, this is a part of me that I don't really talk about and yet I feel like I've done that a lot lately. Growing up, Christians seemed like "those crazy biblethumpers" or looney evangelicals, highly offensive and oppressive people, and I don't consider Jay or myself to be in any category like that. I don't know. It tends to comfort me and I know as human beings we are presumptuous to think we know all the mysteries of the universe. But I feel like given how this week has gone, I needed to explain how I'm getting through it because that is just as important to me as the raw facts of what is going on.

put your paws up

So we've been going to church lately, just the two of us. It's been interesting because there is Sunday worship, which until recently has been outside of our Sunday schedule (ie: not lazing around all day, actually putting non-pajama clothes on, etc), and then there is Wednesday evening bible study. I like going on Wednesdays because you get to know people as Potential Friends, not just as Christians.

Last night's class made me think because we're talking about how non-Christians perceive Christians, and how so many of the images are negative. When polled, one of the first ideas or concepts that came up on the list was "anti-homosexuality". I felt myself bristle even before we started talking about it, because like many people that is a huge issue for me when dealing with religion. (Actually, at that very moment I felt like the first bigot who stood up in that class and said BUT GOD HATES F-GS was going to get my fist shoved down their throat. And yes, I realize what a knee-jerk, non-Christian response that would have been XD) I've had many gay friends who are kind, intelligent, beautiful people (as are all my friends - I mean, do I hang out with stupids? no!) and I feel righteous indignation on their behalf when people start preaching to me about how homosexuality is a sin because I've seen my gay friends talk about how they've been hurt by people who are supposedly "Christian" but have used this as an excuse and a sword to perpetuate bigotry.

The interesting thought that came up was that we as Christians are never supposed to hate the sinner, but to hate the sin. I realized last night that while I agree with many things in Christianity, I find myself conflicted with this concept. Unlike many hardcore Christians, I do not believe homosexuality is a "life choice" and therefore a sin that can be performed. It just doesn't make sense to me. Why would someone voluntarily choose a path that puts them in constant fear for their lives, for the lives of their loved ones? Why is it a sin for two people to fall in love? I just don't get it. If Jesus was all about spreading the love among Christians why is homosexuality so evil?

I also find myself falling into the mode of thinking in which some will argue that the Bible was written hundreds upon hundreds of years ago, and has to be taken in the context of the time, so we have to interpret it differently in modern times. But a lot of people think we have to take it literally. So if we are supposed to follow the Bible to the letter, why do we not have slaves? Are women still property? Those are the kinds of things I have issues with. If we have to take the Bible literally or risk eternal damnation, how can we pick and choose which things we take to heart (like the Bible saying homosexuality is forbidden) and others we cast away (no women in the church because women are property etc - that is a whole different post)?

This is what confuses me. As human beings we are pretty ballsy to say we know everything about God and can interpret the Bible as He intended. How do we know that he didn't create homosexuals and put them on the earth to test our capacity for love? I mean, if you make such an outrageous statement like saying God put dinosaur fossils in the earth to test our faith a bunch of perfectly lovely gay people being a test of our unconditional love for our fellow man can't be too far off the mark, right? Like what if those people holding up "God Hates F-gs" signs are so far out there because God wants us to love EVERYBODY, in spite of how we might feel about how they live?

I'm not saying we are totally bible-thumpers or crazy evangelicals now. I actually consider myself more of a pacifist than an activist, and take my spiritual views from many different religions. I'm sure some people think that is wishy-washy as all get out, but that's just how I feel. And I don't want to stir up a bunch of controversy, just clear some thoughts out of my head that have been bothering me. I will never, EVER stop caring for my friends, gay or straight, and maybe that is the true test, and what if that was what God intended it to be?

Argh I don't know. I'm not claiming to know.

oh mah gaaaaahhh~

I know it's been awhile since I've updated - things have been nuts! Springtime is definitely not a good blog-updating time for an accountant. I have a ton of things I want to talk about but unfortunately I left all my blog topics on a yellow post-it note sticking to my desk at work in my haste to get out of there this afternoon x.x; WHY HELLO FRIDAY ILY.

The earthquake, tsunami, and subsequent potential nuclear crisis in Japan have made me so heartbroken. This was going to be where we went for our honeymoon when we could save up money to have one. We were going to take a train up the coast and enjoy all the culture and food and the great Japanese people...and now it's just gone in some really great places. I keep the BBC and the NHK news feeds on all day at work, just to watch the updates and hope and pray that they get the supplies they need - so many have died and so many families are torn apart. They keep showing families reading the lists of who's dead, who's still alive. I can't stand watching people cry.

We started going to a local church on Wednesdays. It's not worship, but just an adult bible study class. We've been going for about two months and have started to get comfortable with the people there. I asked them this past week if anyone knew of a project we could do - gathering blankets, or bottled water, or something besides just donating money to an organization. I'd want to go and hand out food or something myself, but for work and my passport is expired x.x; So I have this heavy feeling of wanting to do something or be somewhere and all I can do is keep going to my job each day and working my hardest so maybe when a project becomes available I can contribute. (Or the next time I get paid I can donate some money, at least.)

On top of all of this weighing on my heart on Monday my crown came out. (Which I swore three weeks ago was loose but the dentist said was still attached to my face.) I was eating rubbery elbow mac at home for lunch and went "oh god x.x". I asked them about a dark spot on the tooth behind the one with the crown, and after some poking they filled a tiny cavity - no anesthesia! I'm such a hoss - and stuck it back on. Thankfully they didn't charge me to reattach the crown, and the charge for filling the cavity was so minimal that I can pay it off in a few paychecks.

In addition to wanting to pull my hair out from continuously managing to screw up at work, this week has been a myriad of stress eating and waking up super early and not being able to get back to sleep, like 1 AM early or 4 AM early, or because of the time change waking up when my second alarm goes off at 6:30 feeling like I haven't slept at all.

There are other things I want to talk about, too, but I have to upload a bunch of photos off of my phone. Because what's an update without photos, right? Right.

starfish have five arms, you know

I read sad things on Facebook, one sad place in particular, and it makes me think. And I realize that when you lose someone, when they die and it's sudden or unexpected or just so unfair that it's maddening, you don't lose a part of you, not for very long - because people are like starfish. The place where it used to be, right near your heart, where it used to be gravelly and salted and festering, grows back, shiny and good as new. And that little part of you that you think you've lost forever grows into something much better.

When I get to heaven my cats will be there to greet me. Not that that time will be any time soon, because I intend on living to be a hundred, you know, but when it happens I have this feeling in my heart, like this excito little twitch, that it will be a glorious thing. I don't think it's a matter of religion but that's just how I feel about it. Like you just know. Like that feeling right before Christmas morning when you wake up and you know something good is going to happen. Or when you realize it's snowing outside so there won't be any school that day. Like that kind of good.

hokay so

 So I keep meaning to post this photo. Keep in mind, before you look at this, that this was forwarded to me by a coworker under text reading "I think somebody needs a God Hug!" or some such drivel, followed by a poem or LINES AND LINES of overly-spaced text about how I'm her total bff (I'm not) and I'm a part of her CIRCLE OF FRIENDS (except I'm not) and if I don't send this back to her she'll get the hint (I didn't). Am still hoping she will only send me funny forwards, and not dumb faux-religious ones. Although this one could be funny, if you want it to be.