"...no dead end in sight..."

c'est la...

So I am probably going to be heinously late for work today (read: on time) but I figured I should update seeing as how the next time I turn around it will be August. Or Christmas. Plus Enzo is being so quiet in his room I feel like I should use this peaceful time to my advantage.

I know I keep saying I'm going to update about my health. I would love to say there is a definite something wrong with me but nope. I went in last week to get a sonogram and drank a ton of water and felt the left side of my pelvis hurting. It's like having a full bladder was squishing whatever is in there hurting and it was like OW x1000. After doing the peepee dance, paying monies out of pocket to get this done, and having the tech go "oh, it looks like you have a cyst! :D", the doctor came back with...

...nothing. He said the sonogram was perfectly normal.

I just don't understand. Then why am I hurting every day? Can you at least tell me that?

I was, and am, still angry that I can't be 100% diagnosed and that all my doctor has right now is a theory of endometriosis simply because he has now ruled out an ectopic pregnancy (which is another story-slash-adventure entirely), tumors, and/or cysts. Also angry that the nurse's response when discussing a laparoscopy was "well, he might not [read: probably won't] find anything!" I don't need to hear that. If this is in fact endometriosis, which doesn't show up on a sonogram, I need to know that he is going to go in there, find out why I'm hurting, and make it stop hurting. So much for confidence in my physician.

I hate doctors to begin with. I think they're all out to make a buck and don't really give a crap whether or not I'm cured, because if I'm fixed then they can't put me on a medication for the rest of my life or keep making money on inconclusive exam visits or labwork. I think the entire healthcare industry in this country is a racket. Having no insurance right now does not help assuage this any, either, except that my lady doctor is being kind enough to offer us discount rates because he knows we will pay as much out of pocket as possible. (But maybe he's actually making more money upfront than if he had to run me through the insurance wringer, anyway. Who knows.)

On top of all of this, my grandmother is out in California right now and I would LOVE upon LOVE to go out there to visit her. I NEED a vacation. Work is my obsession right now and I have vetoed so many fun weekends because at this point they NEED me to work on weekends just so the week goes smoothly. I want to ask off but I know the laparoscopy is inevitable so I have to be a grownup and budget time for that. But I feel like my brain is overheated and I just need time by the pool and at the beach and weather that isn't 105 degrees on a cool day. I'm sick of feeling burnt [out] and crispy every day.

But anyway. Ultimately this is all to make sure that my body is a good host for babies and hopefully I won't have problems having babies like my mom did, when we get to that point where having babies would be an option. Lately I have been kind of baby melty, like that feeling where I see one and I go B'AWWWWW and I want to hold it and just get a hug from this small creature and smell its gorgeous little baby smell. Is that bizarre? I don't even like kids some days. I don't know if this just means I need a stuffed animal or what.

I'm sure there is some psychoanalysis that could be had but really I think my hormones are just going HEY MAYBE YOU SHOULD PROCREATE. But we aren't at that point financially or emotionally as a couple, I think. Maybe in a few years? I don't know. I just wish I could quit having these lovely dreams at night and then I wake up and we are still an even number and my kneejerk reaction is to feel so...what, empty? Like a shell of a person, of a woman. Like I'm insufficient as a woman or as a wife. I don't know what I will feel if they come back and say my insides are irreparable. Almost as bad as if they were to say there's nothing wrong.

Hello, anxiety! I tell myself, you will be just fine thereisnothingwrongwithyou. And most days it works.

baby steps to better eating (1/3)

I realized this week that for me, the key to not eating out is to develop a routine in which 1) I'm not allowed the chance to get hungry; 2) I'm so busy that I don't have time to think about food; and 3) I'm not given the opportunity to be tempted.

Case in point, I went through an entire work week - that's fifteen meals, and fifteen opportunities to be unhealthy - and only had fast food one time. It was a spicy chicken sandwich from Chick Fil-A, with lettuce, tomato, provolone, and a small diet coke. No fries. Considering I could previously order a milkshake, fries, and an equally unhealthy entree and eat them and not even be full, this is a pretty big thing.

So let's start with Step 1. I realize my overeating and temptation to drive thru comes from unbalanced meals. And by unbalanced, I mean not just an influx of calories, but unbalanced as in, I'll eat a small meal, fast for four hours, then be so hungry at lunch I will shove whatever disgustingness into my face just to get the growly feeling to stop. So I solved this by snacks. And at first it was two cans of Pringles and a bag of peanut butter M&Ms, which by all accounts should be considered a cheat food.

Then I realized, I need carbs in the morning for fuel, and fruit, protein, or something lighter in the afternoon to keep me going. I bought a bunch of oatmeal bars, which I discovered later are filled with high fructose corn syrup and partially hydrogenated soybean oil. So once I'm done with this box I'm going to have to make my own, I guess. Afternoon snack is a giant apple with natural peanut butter. I used to do ham and string cheese bites, so maybe once the apple train has left the station I might alternate with some of those.

Also, I woke up this morning with the chorus from this in my head:

My little dog is whining for attention, so I will save the rest of this entry for later. And it's a lovely rainy morning in which I can either do homework or scrapbook. Ugh.

feeding frenzy

OMG, I picked the wrong week to start eating healthier.

I walked into work this morning and the new girl has brought donuts. DONUTS I LOVE HER ALREADY. Then the ladies who work in the office next door have put out a decorative wooden vampire holding a bowl of chocolate. Reese's, Whoppers, Almond Joys. Any time I have to go to the bathroom or the copyroom I have to walk past both of these asdjglkasdgkhalskg. I have had NONE of these, also, btw. My self-control is in prime condition.

THEN I realize today is our huge delicious potentially grease-filled DELICIOUS (did I mention delicious?) Italian luncheon in honor of Bosses' Day. (Bosses' Day? I know right? I was thinking the same wtf-type thoughts. But whatever.) After I'd convinced myself that I don't have that much self-control to eat only salad when there might be lasagna or spaghetti with meatballs available, I then walked triumphantly out to my car only to be hit by the smell of Burger King next to our building x.x;

I should just hide under a rock for the rest of the week. I have had one, ONE!! coconut M&M as junk food today, and that is only because it was hiding in the door of my car as I was leaving for lunch. It was so melty and delicious.

Day 1 is half over! HALF OVER. I think if I am good all week I will eat Subway or something just as potentially disastrous on Friday as my reward.

....;_;

octobah~

So October has been in like a lamb, with a few mild hiccups. These past few weeks have been busy, which I guess is a good thing considering Octobers past. But the little blogging I do already has been stunted by super important lame things like school and work and laundry. LAME.

But first of all, the big news this week after going to the doctor is that I...have allergies. Hideous Abilene fall-exacerbated allergies. I sneeze eighty times in a row and cough until I wheeze like a pack-a-day smoker; I have Nose Faucet Maximus. I was hoping when I went in that I could get a steroid shot or something and be fine. Nope, they said You Have Allergies. Thanks, Abilene. You are now -1 in the awesome column.

This prompted a visit to the grocery store, where it turns out a lot of people have Nose Faucet Maximus, as they were out of name brand Benadryl and I bought generic (which I prefer because it was like $3). The doc had said to take a Zyrtec in the morning and two Benadryl at night. TWO? That might fix my congestion snoring by, oh, me not waking up the next day?? LOL But whatever. I've started taking one at night and he gave me this funky nose spray which I haven't tried because I keep leaving it in the console of my car -_-; Whatevs.

A few weeks ago my lovely new co-worker preyed on my love of processed sugar and the fact that I'm a sucker for helping good causes and I bought a dozen rare as heck Krispy Kremes to help her 7-year-old son's football team -_-

These are not Krispy Kremes. They are AM Donuts from when pookie and I had our Donut Day a few Saturdays back. But you get the idea.
Sometimes you just have to eat a zillion donuts.

I also intended to make a food-only post, because I've been pretty psychadelic on the food front. No, I don't mean pot brownies or anything illegal, people. I'm talking canning a zillion pears and lovely experiments making cheese. My favorite dairy product (well, okay, ice cream is first. But cheese is my favorite too, just for different reasons *patpats)!

Speaking of donuts, this pretty hysterical:

That is so totally a Donut Time with an alterations place put in next door.
These people are marketing geniuses!
Donut Time is the second best donut place in Abilene, after AM Donuts.

Because I'm being switched to salaried pay I'm going from weekly to bi-weekly pay. This means I have a teensy tiny waiting period before I can get Actual Money and of course this weekend is making me go D: at all the bills and crap we have due.

It doesn't help that my car hit 66,000 miles and my tires are only 60k D:
It is a BLOWOUT waiting to happen!...x4.
You'd think that would be a SUPER ADRENALINE RUSH, but no.

Okay, it is getting to the point in the morning where Enzo is being a little spaz and I want to beat him, so as I go to play endless rounds of tiny Pom-sized tennis ball fetch with him instead, I leave you with this:

 

This is monkey being a spaz while his cone was on.
It was also a pretty good indicator that he was healing well.

Have a great weekend, everybody!

ouch

Back to the doctor on Monday. He called me back again this morning, and when I told him the pills didn't work, bam! I had an appointment. He sounded rushed - worried? - but this is old hat to me. Run some films, don't find anything, put me on a new pill, it doesn't work, lather rinse repeat.

I look online for the symptoms of endometriosis and I want to cry. I always anticipate the worst, and right now the worst would be a total hysterectomy. I don't want that. I want babies, yall. After we've gone all over Europe and I have my convertible and maybe a nice house someplace I want little brown-eyed babies. But I also want the pain to GTFO. Since it's been going on for almost two years I don't know how good the prognosis will be.

I'm sure it will be fine. As usual I freak myself out, and as usual they're probably going to tell me nothing.

Nada. Zip. Zilch.

Doc, just cut me open and take out whatever is making me hurt, plzkthx. <3, Me.