"...no dead end in sight..."

thinking about bailo

This week has been a rough week. I know I whine a lot but this has tested me and my family like nothing has for the better part of five years, I'd say. Certainly no one in my generation of my family has gone through this before, on this level.

A week ago last Wednesday we flew back from five days in San Diego. Beaches, museums, perfect weather, great food - it was relaxing other than getting there and back. Almost the proverbial calm before the storm.

Monday I called my mom and we were talking and all of a sudden her voice gets serious (like in the "somebody died" tone) and she goes "so [my aunt] hasn't called you?"

Me: "...no. Why?"

Come to find out, a week ago today/last Saturday/three days after we saw them, my cousin woke up blind in her left eye. Like bam, out of nowhere. They went to doctors and specialists in San Diego who diagnosed a brain tumor.

My cousin? Little B - not so little now, taller than I am, fluent in Mandarin Chinese, first chair in the clarinet, who succintly told me she wants to be an architect and study abroad in Beijing and build skyscrapers and go to Stanford like her dad - who dances randomly like the penguin from Madagascar on that one Intel computer chip commercial when dancey music comes on the TV - I held her on my hip when she was a baby - the quirky teenager who beads necklaces for her future empire in her spare time now couldn't see out of one eye.

So they drove back to San Francisco on Wednesday after the MRI in San Diego confirmed a glioma.

I got the news Wednesday morning, and Wednesday night at church I brought it up in our class when they asked if anybody had any prayer requests. It's odd for me to talk about things that I feel need to be prayed for, partially because I've been so skeptical about religion in my younger years that it makes me feel awkward, and partially because there's always somebody who has something much more horrible going on in their lives so I feel bad for bringing up my own worries, and partially because I'm not used to letting other people help me with my problems. It's hard enough sometimes to lean on my own husband because I am so used to just freight-training my way through my stress which I realize often ends in an emotional implosion.

We prayed. I remember hearing them say in prayer to lift her up, and in the earnestness of those words I felt tears coming to my eyes because they aren't Christian, and I hoped in my heart that God would somehow bless them even though they don't believe in it. Work your magic, deity, and please God make her be okay in spite of this. I felt my true desperation, of someone who can feel someone else suffering, and it breaks my heart in my own helplessness and my lack of control of the matter. And I cry because I am afraid, and I cry because the tragedy of it is that she is a really sweet kid in spite of how spastic her behavior is sometimes. She doesn't deserve this, I keep thinking over and over to myself. But then, who does?

I also got upset because it occurred to me that it's just her and my sister that I have on my dad's side. Our family isn't big like some, and we are close-knit when it counts, but at the end of the day it also occurred to me that my sister and I are all the cousins she has, and we need to be there for her like no other. I haven't figured out how to do that yet.

To be fair, I haven't called my aunt since then because to think too hard about it makes me break down and cry, and I didn't want to make her any more stressed than she already is. When I talk to her I want to be strong in my voice and right now when I start to talk about it sometimes my voice sounds like a record scratch.

I got an email from my dad yesterday, and my email goes to my phone, so of course I read it during the thick of work and misread it, and thought he had actually gone out to San Francisco to see my aunt instead of talking to her on the phone. I called my mom during my lunch break and my dad picked up her cell phone and I what the hecked a little bit. And then, a split verdict.

The good news: some head honcho cancer specialist in San Francisco has ruled that this is not a glioma. It's some big fancy name for what is essentially severe inflammation of her optic nerve.

The bad news: her other eye is starting to show symptoms.

So - a mixed bag? The inflammation they are thinking they can cure with some sort of steroids, and there is a possibility she could get her sight back within a few months. I don't know how to feel about this trial but I do feel that the prayer has done something. I've never experienced this before but it seems like when it counts God will in fact take control of the situation.

In the middle of the week when I was feeling really low and really unable to cope with this situation I found one of the psalms online and thought I would share. When I start to think about it and need to calm myself down (say, doing payroll at work and about to cry) I read over it on my phone and I think it helps:

Psalm 146
1 Praise ye the LORD. Praise the LORD, O my soul.
2 While I live will I praise the LORD: I will sing praises unto my God while I have any being.
3 Put not your trust in princes, [nor] in the son of man, in whom [there is] no help.
4 His breath goeth forth, he returneth to his earth; in that very day his thoughts perish.
5 Happy [is he] that [hath] the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope [is] in the LORD his God:
6 Which made heaven, and earth, the sea, and all that therein [is]: which keepeth truth for ever:
7 Which executeth judgment for the oppressed: which giveth food to the hungry. The LORD looseth the prisoners:
8 The LORD openeth [the eyes of] the blind: the LORD raiseth them that are bowed down: the LORD loveth the righteous:
9 The LORD preserveth the strangers; he relieveth the fatherless and widow: but the way of the wicked he turneth upside down.
10 The LORD shall reign for ever, [even] thy God, O Zion, unto all generations. Praise ye the LORD.

Again, this is a part of me that I don't really talk about and yet I feel like I've done that a lot lately. Growing up, Christians seemed like "those crazy biblethumpers" or looney evangelicals, highly offensive and oppressive people, and I don't consider Jay or myself to be in any category like that. I don't know. It tends to comfort me and I know as human beings we are presumptuous to think we know all the mysteries of the universe. But I feel like given how this week has gone, I needed to explain how I'm getting through it because that is just as important to me as the raw facts of what is going on.

wknd of nonlaboring

I started off my Labor Day weekend going HEY, I'M GOING TO BE SO PRODUCTIVE!.

Yeah, that didn't happen XD

Saturday was a whirlwind of doing laundry (and not folding it), then going with pookie to stupid Walmar to get his hunting license, then making it back to the house just in time to grab Enzo and haul butt to puppy class at 11 AM. His little puppy girlfriend was there XD She is a red and white Sheltie named Sadie and they like to frolic together after class. Like, the kind of frolicking he tries to do with Rudie and she goes HISS *SWIPE and bats at his little tiny button nose. So I think it's good that he made a friend. Not that he could ever NOT make a friend, because he's the friendliest dog on the planet, but sometimes other dogs go OMG TOO MUCH PUPPEH~ and that is that. Come to think of it, sometimes I do that too.

OH then after puppy class I drove through Blue Taco, which is supposed to be like Chipotle. It was kinda meh but I think if it's the closest thing we've got I will just deal with it.

Wenzo likes post-puppy class drive thrus XD

Then I came home and Jay was out hunting with his male family members, so I was in the house NOT cleaning, and NOT organizing closets like I said I was going to do. So I went to Lowe's and bought some new plants for the front porch.

Oh yeah, and a tree.

See it on our little porch? That is a Santa Rosa dwarf plum tree.

The bad thing about this variety of plum tree is that in order to actually produce plums you need a second tree x.x; The good thing about that is there is a list of about a dozen or two varieties to pick from. So maybe in a few months when I'm not working for the ridiculous temp agency I can buy Mr. Santa Rosa a girlfriend.

Also purchased were a yellow rose and a red hibiscus, which are also in that photo but you can't really see them here. AND I managed to get all of this, plus two giant bags of potting soil, home in my Corolla. I'd had experience bringing giant trees home in my car after I was given a giant fig tree by some tenants at work last year. That one was probably, what, 12 feet tall? And it was dried out, so it shed huge leaves all over my car. This one is maybe 8 or 10 feet, max, so it squished into my car nicely.

Sunday we went up to Haskell for Jay's Mammaw's birthday and had cake and it was lovely. I got to hang out with Jay's cousin and aunt and I learned a new way of knitting (with GIANT knitting needles, which is MUCH faster and I think preferable) and I got to use their fancypants awesome binding machine that sews together all the quilt layers. THEN they were like HERE HAVE A QUILT :D and I was like :O! They are seriously so sweet.

I'd post a photo of the quilt because it is super pretty but my phone is being ridiculous. Jay's cousin has a photo on Facebook of me holding it up but I look like Shrek in the picture so yall are just going to have to wait for awhile.

The bad thing about having awesome funtiems an hour away is that going out on the road at 10 PM is scary x.x; I either thought I was going to get abducted by aliens or pulled over by a fake cop out in the middle of nowhere. BUT as you can tell, I got home safely and all is right in the world.

Yesterday I alternated between working on my group project and playing with puppeh and eating. We went to the store and bought 480769762496 things to make hotdogs, so I had a frito pie and a hotdog and a half and enough grilled jalapenos to down a moose. So the closets are still a mess and our tiny kitchen is a mess and the laundry is unfolded but this weekend was AMAZING!

As of this morning, according to lovely UPS' tracking number website, my replacement Crock Pot is in Dallas. This is good because it means it will get here soon, but bad because OMG MY CROCK POT IS THREE HOURS AWAY AND I WANT IT NAAAAAAOW. [/Violet] There are so many lovely things that I want to try canning, like chili and pasta sauce and some kinds of stews, but can't because my crock pot has been out of commission for, what, a month now? IT FEELS LIKE AN ETERNITY.

I have been saying for eons that I am going to buy a cheese kit. I keep reading Culture magazine and wanting to try not only mozzarella (which is relatively easy to make in a day) but crazy things like aging cheddar (which takes months, sometimes longer). One kit has the simple stuff to make mozzarella and ricotta, and the other has cheddar and I think some other hard cheese stuff? I'm half inclined to go fug it and get the difficult one, except that if I ruin it from being lamely inexperienced then I've dropped like $40 on something that is nasty and inedible. OH and it doesn't just make ONE cheese, it makes like 30. So it would be like 30 somethings that are both nasty and inedible. Some cheeses, like blue cheese, you can eat when stinky because that is what makes them delish. Cheddar...? Not so much.

Anyway. I've also been inspired by one of Jay's cousins, who is starting knitting in August, of all things. This never occurred to me, mostly because I don't think about sitting under sweltering yarn and knittings when it's 100+ degrees outside, but it makes sense to start this type of a project 6 months before winter. I've been trying to finish a scarf for years. Most of the time I just get a really flimsy, non-heat-deflecting (and therefore useless) potholder. But! THIS WILL BE THE YEAR. Also because my baby sister is going to be a senior in high school and when she goes to her college of choice (HER CHOICE NOT OTHER PEOPLES) I want to knit her a scarf in her college's colors at some point.

Yes, baby sister is approximately a semester and a month away from being a Real Live Adult. This is not as jarring to me as her learning to drive, or her getting her braces off, or other milestones. I think it's more of an envy on my part, one of those "I wish I knew then what I know now" type of deals. There is so much I would change, so much more I would want to focus on. I think my freshman year I was clinically depressed, for various reasons, and I hope she doesn't go through that like I did.

Outside this morning it was nice and cool and fairly deceptive for the day ahead. I was all ambitious, dreaming of Fridays past in which the entire downstairs got straightened up in an evening and I had the weekend to laze around and not do homework, and tried doing a white load of laundry last night. Then forgot to put it in the dryer and went to bed at 2 AM after watching The Exorcism of Emily Rose with the Mofos, like AW HELL NAW I am not switching out laundry IN THE DARK right now. Plus it would have woken up the puppy, who was a sweetheart and didn't bark once and let me sleep in until my alarm went off at 6:30 this morning.

OH BY THE WAY he turned FIVE MONTHS OLD on Thursday! That is deserving of another post, but alas, my Saturday awaits. Plus my nose is running on one side and I need a kleenex. YEAH WEEKENDS!

So Monday was our anniversary! Jay and I have been married two whole years and that is awesome. It has been a crazy year - we've moved and switched jobs and been through a lot but this next year is going to keep getting better!

I love him so much ^_^
EVEN WHEN HE IS MAKING THAT FACE LJDGLJALGFLDFH.

Anyway. I didn't update on Monday because I was busy, oh, getting employed. My job starts tomorrow and it is going to be super sweet, and I am going to rock the house, yo. I could have held out and waited for other places to call me back, but this job is le payables and le receivables, which is kinda what I want to do. I think. We'll find out tomorrow!

Also Monday was a final paper as well as my final exam for my last class. I ended up making a B+ in the class, which disappoints me a LOT because I had a 95 before I took the final exam (and failed it >_>). But my GPA is now a 3.0 and that is AWESOME. My next class starts on the 22nd and I am only going to keep improving from here! I am determined! Especially now that I'm going to be in an office where I can start a career after I graduate.

My auntie from San Francisco is driving (yes, driving -_-) down to visit the familia and she is stopping through here on her way there! She's supposed to be here tomorrow so I told her maybe to plan on not being here until after 5 PM when I get off work XD We are going out to dinner and then I will serve some apple cheesecake for dessert!

So today I am busy housecleaning and enjoying my last day of daytime trashy television. Steve Wilkos, Tyra, Jerry, Maury...you are all going on the back burner, babies.

It's going to be nice to have a paycheck again! LOVE it!

post #201.5

I don't know how else to make a monument. I don't have the luxury of stone and chisel. I don't have wood or clay or awl. As per usual I am forced to use my words, the only medium I can wield with any accuracy.

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