"...no dead end in sight..."

still kinda annoyed

Um, hello? I'm right here.

I can read your comments but especially I can read between the lines.

You think your life as a mother has been wasted. Gee thanks. I can see that in black and white. You wish we hadn't been born so you could have been some grand thing. Well guess what, you're not; you are our mother, so stop being so in denial about it and man up and actually pretend like you love me more than people who aren't actually your kids.

I mean Jesus H. Not one peep of encouragement or good vibes from her earlier this week when I was freaking out and having panic attacks and yet Precious C can angst about not procreating after being married for a month and it's the got-damn Cuban Missile Crisis or something.

I don't think I'm angry, per se. Just really irritated that no one else is calling her on how damn hurtful she's been/IS being.

I don't hate her. I just wish she would just come out and admit she doesn't like being our mother so I can check in to therapy and get that shit over and done with. My poor sister is living at home with this person who has said, verbatim, "procreating is overrated". Even if it's joking, I know in her heart she's not and I think that's what hurts most of all, that she's trying to make a huge laugh out of the situation. I feel like she doesn't love me enough to take the shit seriously and admit to me she was wrong.

Gee thanks, Mom. Just when I think things are getting better with us you have to keep poking around the good ol' kitchen cutlery and hope something sticks.

sigh

I don't know what her motivations are. I think it's really rude to start going "omg poor me my life sucks" about your stupid party when you don't even invite the person you're bitching to to your wedding. I think it's even ruder to brag on FB about my mom being there, when my mom didn't give a shit enough to want to fix things she'd done wrong before my wedding for her own kid. I feel like my mom is in her happy place anyway, being with the daughter she wishes she'd had. They are just perfect for each other, the one who loves to obsess with the one who loves to be obsessed over. Like a hand in a glove. Argh.

Yes, I'm insanely jealous. I think to some extent I always have been. She's always been perfect, the gold standard, the bar to which I've been compared incessantly probably since she's been born. Her grades have always been better, her extra-curriculars have always been better, she's always had more of a social life than me, always more popular, blah blah blah. Now she gets the perfect, hitch-free wedding. (Well, I have the hitch-free marriage, so maybe I win. So there.)

Again, I try to tell myself that feeling this way isn't productive. It's just really obvious to me now who my mom is willing to root for, and it sure as hell isn't me, her own child. And yes, I'm incredibly hurt over that. I'm hurt that we essentially wasted last weekend going down there and they weren't willing to even bring up unpleasantries in the hopes of working past them. I'm so done with it, being the adult who has to be the "bad guy" in all these situations. I guess really I went down there for my sister because I missed her like crazy, and maybe a little bit for my dad, because I know dad at least has his head screwed on straight most of the time in regards to the truth. Or isn't going to go batshit insane trying to prove an illogical point. 

But I really, really don't know how I feel about my mom right now. Do I hate her? No, I still really do love her, I guess. I just feel like I can't trust her because of how sheisty she's been, and how she's being now. Is not telling someone something just like lying? I think it is. Maybe she just wants to live vicariously for the next month and once it's all over and she's been through the wedding experience she will tone it down and start to get back to normal - but what is normal for her anymore? I'm worried she's been off her rocker for so long it's become a habit. I don't know.

Well, everything happens for a reason. I have to keep telling myself that there is a higher force at work in the universe. Experiencing bad things is a part of human nature. Or some such philosophical jargon. But it's really hard not to lash out. I'm really itching to, but I know it would be the wrong thing to do right now. The Sicilian in me is saying, bide your time, stupid. So I'm biding, I guess, and in the meantime am really trying to focus on what makes me happy.

So this won't be some hideously depressing post, I would like to close with this (mostly for Grey XD):

This is what happens when you leave them out in the sun and give them a little water?

busy busy

So the first third of September is over and things in the last month have been nuts! Every weekend has been something.

First off, Jay graduated in the middle of August. I don't have any photos of this because they all turned out dark. And there was a railing blocking his face. Photo FAIL.

Then we drove out to Lubbock to see little brother in plays! Note the crazy windmills off in the distance.

 
...and then I went out to San Diego to visit my Mammaw + auntie. This was after we had lunch at Coronado. It was freakishly hot outside :(

This is the lobby at Coronado. Somewhere there is an old photo of me and my baby sister standing in front of this table. OH and SCARY WHITE FIGURE in the upper left-hand corner totally was NOT THERE when I took this picture, I swear. ~haunteeeeed~

[token sunset picture XD]

Labor Day weekend we went down to visit my parents. Shocker, I know. It wasn't great - they were more than willing to just pretend nothing had happened, which made us both go WTF, but whatever. Nobody was hurt or arrested, which in my mind is a pretty good visit considering we were both on edge for a lot of it. But anyway.

I woke up yesterday and had this feeling that something good is going to happen. I mean, good. I stepped outside and the sky was beautiful and I just had this moment of peace, like everything was okay. Then later yesterday afternoon Jay called and said a location maybe 20 mins from my office is hiring. I don't want to jinx it by hoping, because that's how things go apparently, but omg. I am keeping all extremities crossed in the hopes that it pans out. Location, location, location.

Now I have to get ready for work, which involves lots of self-examination. Thursday is filing day, woohoo!

emotional galoshes

I was in that delicious moment between non-sleep and sleep, and something that has occurred to me that I think is perhaps a breakthrough in my own personal development.

I'm done being upset about things that happened a long time ago. First of all, it makes me tired to be so angry, and plus there is enough presently to be upset about without dwelling on a situation I couldn't change. Whether it be that I was too young or too afraid to stand up for myself, I'm through with that. I'm old enough now and I can stand on my own two feet.

Writing angry things down makes me think that it's more of writing to myself, to assure myself of my own self-worth rather than try to justify it to an audience that won't care. Or will probably never read it. I thought very distinctively tonight about being proactive and just sending it, but then it occurred to me that it wouldn't make much sense to the recipient. Also, I still haven't figured out how to get my point across without damaging the situation further. Is it really worth it to be vengeful? Is that very Tao, very Buddhist, very Christian of me, to want to get in the final word then wash my hands of the whole ordeal?

I do want a relationship with my parents, and especially with my sister - I miss that kid so much it hurts - but not on my parents' terms. Not conditionally. I want their love but not at the cost of my independence. Do I need this same contractual thing from my sister? No, because I know without a doubt that she loves me, and that I love her. Throughout all of this, that has never been in question with me, because she is brilliant and will someday be able to recognize truth from lies, once she's outside of the bubble and can view everything subjectively for what may be the first time. She may have had this epiphany already; that I don't know. It's one of the down sides of being outside the bubble; the shell is thick and not much non-garbled, true communication goes in or comes out, sometimes. I get partial or half-truths. But even that is a sign that there is a tiny fracture, someplace, that will allow me to traverse in and out safely.

[I don't normally use the word "afraid" because it conjures a world of bad memories. I do not use that word. It hasn't been in my vocabulary since I was fourteen years old.]

But I won't think about any of that right now. Right now is bedtime. I just thought I could use to get all of that out of my system, first. And now I'm done with it, this time, and can move forward with something positive, productive, and beautiful.

Life is beautiful. Always remember this. (A note to myself really, when I'm feeling kinda low like I have been tonight. Stomping around in the muck seems to bring this out in me.) I'm fine; tomorrow is Friday and a new day! *feeble woohoo~

iceplant and // dusty miller yellow flowers in the // sun over the // hills

The little house two miles from the office is back on the market again. It's not in a great neighborhood, but the lot next to it is empty and I could just picture a big ol' picket fence around the whole lot of it. It's not that it's a great place, but that it has potential, and that's the part that thrills me a little. But lately maybe it's the feeling of discontent but I don't think it suddenly being for sale again is a sign. I think it's more of a warning. Sure, it would be easy to tack on a mortgage, start renovating the sucker. But then we'd be stuck, and sitting with my back to a window day after day is starting to run pale for me. And again, a lot of little things would have to happen in a particular order for me to be okay with that fateful shift in our lives.

So no. It's a no-go. Until all the little ducks line up in a row, in their proper order, I will try rather hard to repress that part of me that is really wanting it, because it would end badly. I know this, logically.

I've been putting myself out there and I can only hope that someone calls me back. It's just being really anxious and unhappy day after day and the only thing I can do is keep on truckin.

I got a Twitter account here. So follow meh? I guess?

I had a horrible dream last night that I'd accidentally hurt Rudie and when I woke up she was laying on the floor happy to see me and greet the day and I had a good squishy snuggle waiting for her. I love my little cat. I don't know where my head is sometimes when I'm asleep.

I talked with one of my dear aunties and she is going to be out in SoCal with my Mammaw August - Sept. OMG, so envious. I looked online for flights but it's like $400 a person. We could swing that, but I feel like holding onto my cash right now. Even though the ocean and the blue sky and the smell of roses by the pool is calling me....argh. It's so hard to be a grownup. But I know the minute that money gets spent on something frivolous, something happens. That's just how life is, I spose. Lame!!

This post will be written out of order, as I just remembered what I was going to post about. I remember a lot of stuff while I'm working out, you see.