"...no dead end in sight..."

quick post before travelling

We will be on the road in a few short hours (and I haven't packed yet! eep) but I wanted to note a few things. I tried to do a mobile post from work yesterday but alas, it was wonky and I realized this morning that it didn't post. So here goes.

First off, I put the babies in with Dusty yesterday and it's fascinating to watch them interact. Dusty, mind you, was furious. I mean, like puff up like an angry cat and sulk-type of furious. Also, Petra thought apparently that it would be a bright idea to try to challenge something twice her size, who is also angry at her presence. Not a smart idea. There was a lot of tussling going on. Also at one point Dusty just sat on PetPet. Like, went "whomp HA CAN'T MOVE NOW CAN YOU" and Petra was like ";_;". So I think she has learned her lesson.

Also during all of this Brenna thought it would be sneaky to try to take Dusty's stash, relocate it, then spend most of the morning eating all the food the two dominants wouldn't notice because they were too busy fighting XD what a smart girlie. Just when I worry about the two of them shutting her out for food, she pulls something like this and it's ingenious!

I was concerned with them hurting each other while we're gone, but when I woke up this morning the three of them were snuggled in the hammock, with little noses and feet sticking out everywhere. So I think while it's not been a perfect transition for the three of them, it's the best it can be given the circumstances and how I'd tried to ease them into it after the quarantine period.

So - onto the subject of my mobile post yesterday (which was basically a one-liner anyway) - our security guard came up to me yesterday to let the office know they found the source of a heinous bad smell on the bottom level of our parking garage. Somebody left a plastic bag of raw meat in the garage, which hadn't been there too long ("there weren't any maggots or anything", I was informed, which EW GROSS, and also, if the bag was sealed...? oh, whatev) but it took the guard, one of our engineers, and the day porter to open it up, recoil from the smell, then use a snow shovel from the supply closet to carry it off to the trash compactor.

But my comment when I was informed of this: "...did it look like human flesh?" In that sort of kid on Christmas morning, gleeful-type of way.

Maybe we are watching too much Bones, I think.

Also, the comment that we found it next to a random helium container, so "maybe somebody whacked a clown down there"?? Priceless.

Just when I think my office job is boring...XD

So we are going to Haskell for Thanksgiving and I might update later, if there's time. But happy Turkey Day, lovelies! <3

meeting with mommer

First off, I am so totally relating to Kitty and Nora right now. So completely.




We are so much like the two of them sometimes that it makes this show painful to watch. We basically had this conversation today, and I realized she is not happy. Not at all. But it's not my job to fix their marriage, and while this whole situation with the wedding may have been the proverbial straw it was a long time in coming.
I hope she realizes through all of her fatigue that to say essentially that she wishes we'd never been born isn't coming across as some sort of confession intended to make us realize, but something that hurts me, which was probably her subconscious objective from the get-go. Now that I'm back in my own head, having stepped outside myself in order to remain focused, rational, and to be able to tolerate the dreaded conversation with some semblance of calm, little snippets of our convo keep coming back to me and I don't know whether to feel angry or sad.
I feel like yet again I'm loved only conditionally, only if I agree with them a hundred percent of the time, or live my life the way they imagine I should. I feel like she is incredibly selfish to be this way, hateful and bitter, and then I think of the way her eyes welled up when she said, very quietly, "maybe I've never been loved", and while part of me wants to say KNOCK OFF THE DRAMA and shake her until the histrionics fall away part of me just wants to hug her and say, I'm sorry, but you're so wrong because I love you so much it hurts.
She still doesn't trust that the decision he and I made to get married was the right one. I told her, I am an adult, you raised me better than you think you have, and you're going to have to trust me. She rolls her eyes and I know she's got to be skeptical, but this time I'm stronger than her stubbornness and I remain calm - no tears.
I keep telling myself not to focus on the negativity, not to let it overwhelm me or taint my opinions on the truth. But it sure is hard not to lapse into blame and anger when I've just spent an afternoon with someone who is hurting so much. And a lot of it stems from a situation I have no influence on, and personalities that I cannot change even though they inject each other with so much venom. They twist each other and all I can do is shine through, be myself, and push ahead with what I feel is right given the circumstances even if later it turns out to be only mostly right and maybe 15% wrong.
More later, but I'm exhausted. I need to stay up and write for Nano but I am so sleepyyyy.
Also, best hugs ever. And I realize that no matter what, even though she is still angry, she does still love me.

2009 extracurriculars

Things I would like to do next semester...or quasi-semester, per se:

• horseback riding
• studio art class 
• language tutor (Japanese and/or Russian) 
• some sort of local writing club 
• mandolin lessons
• writing contests - 1-2 a month? maybe? or at least make a better attempt to get something published.

• and, of course, scrapbooking, stamp collecting, and photography. Just a thought.

I'm exhausted so bedtime for me. Plus internet is slow like dialup tonight, yuck. 

okay? transitioning to okay, I think.

Eh, I don't know. I fluctuate. I know I shouldn't, but it's been gravity all week, even when I was laughing through tears, and I just don't know what to think. Or I want to stop thinking and just exist, and just be and just be happy. I don't know why this has such an impact on me. Logically it shouldn't. Maybe I'm just a stupid girl. Maybe I'm terrified of my own mortality. I have various theories that I contemplate and try to ponder but when it all comes down to it, I just don't know what system of retribution would possibly justify taking a life, and such a life, such a soul, at that.

Maybe I'm just still angry. I still don't think it's fair. I don't think I will ever know why. I hope somebody a little closer to the situation can someday explain to me this big cosmic secret I apparently haven't been let in on. Do I find solace in faith? I should, and sometimes I do a little bit but sometimes I really, really don't. At all. And those are the times when I am just angry.

When I am ninety-five I will die, and I want some of my ashes scattered down the hillside to the ocean in San Diego, at sunset. No open caskets, no weeping over a shell. I want to be cremated and I want the rest of the ashes in a decorative urn on somebody's mantel. A place of honor, if you will. I want to be remembered, frequently. Maybe that's the vanity in me. I don't know. Whatev. But just in case anybody asks, you know.

Enough of that melodrama.

Cheer up, emo kid:

So as we slowly get back into the swing of things I promise my next post will be better. And by better, I mean maybe less sad. Fall is my favorite season but it means winter is coming, and I think I have some sort of seasonal depression every year, so if I get sadfaced and stupid please bear with me, as I promise I won't be that way forever, honest.
Something happy - we've booked our Christmas stay for our first Christmas together! (say it with me: "d'awwwww" lol) Rather than try to appease one side or the other, we are going into the wilderness, just the two of us, and it will be nice to have that time together. Away from work stress, apartment stress, bills, etc. and so forth.
Plus, I might actually get to finish a book. Wouldn't that be peachy keen?
Stay sane, lovelies. I might actually post photos next time~ *ducks

not a happy post

I know I usually update on the weekends. I'm updating this morning because I feel like I need to let everyone who reads this know what's going on because I know people are reading this and I know I haven't updated in awhile, but at the same time I think we're all still in shock so I don't know if this will make much sense. Jay found out his best friend died yesterday morning, and even as I type that it doesn't seem real or fair and I'm angry at the injustice of this, although I don't know who to be angry at. I mean, we saw him two weeks ago and he was fine. There was very little warning, and he was our age (we're both 24) and I just don't know what to think.

It's a tragedy because he was a smart, quiet, funny guy with a great future ahead of him. I know he will be missed. At this point we're still waiting for information about any services from his family, but it looks like we will probably be in Abilene this weekend. Anything I was planning on doing this weekend has come to a screeching halt as I try to anticipate what I can do to help Jay at this time. Probably not much except be there for him, and that's not much but if that's all, that's what I'll do.

I'd like to say something philosophical about the fragility of life but it will just come off sounding inane and ridiculous given the circumstances. So I will just say to everybody on the internets that all I know is that this is how it is right now, and it's not shiny happy, but c'est la vie, you know? I can't process it.

I have photos that I was going to upload before all of this, and all that jazz, so I will try to post again at a later date, obviously.